Are you able to be a mixture of two Tendencies?
Many individuals argue that they’re a mixture of two Tendencies. This sounds wise. And it additionally sounds wise to suppose that “I’m X at residence, and Y at work.” However from my remark, that’s not likely true. Each time I sit down with somebody who says she or he is a combination, and put them by some questions, I discover that (in my opinion), that individual is definitely firmly inside one class.
Listed here are some frequent mixtures, and why folks suppose they’re a combination, and the way you would possibly give it some thought.
In case you suppose you’re an Obliger/Insurgent: There’s a really sturdy affinity between Rebels and Obligers. It’s quite common for Obligers to expertise “Obliger-rebellion,” a hanging sample during which each on occasion, they abruptly refuse to satisfy an expectation. As one Obliger defined, “Typically I ‘snap’ as a result of I get uninterested in folks making assumptions that I’ll at all times do issues as anticipated. It’s form of a rebellious means of asserting myself.” One other added, “I work very laborious to maintain my commitments to different folks, however I’ll be darned if I can preserve a promise to myself . . . Although each on occasion I’ll completely refuse to please.”
Obligers may insurgent in symbolic methods, with their hair, garments, automotive, and the like. For example, Andre Agassi is an Obliger, and in his memoir Open, he describes methods during which he would Obliger-rebel (although he doesn’t use that time period, in fact).
In case you suppose you’re a Questioner/Upholder or Questioner/Rebel: Questioners are available in two flavors: some Questioners lean towards Upholder, and others lean towards Insurgent (like being “Virgo with Scorpio rising”). For example, my husband questions every part, nevertheless it’s not too laborious to steer him to uphold; different Questioners ask so many query that they’re virtually Rebels, as a result of it’s so laborious to persuade them to do something. However they act from a questioning spirit, not a rebelling spirit.
In case you suppose you’re an Upholder/Obliger: Upholders and Obligers share an inclination to satisfy outer expectations, so in that means, they’re certainly very a lot the identical. The important thing distinction is: Are you able to meet an expectation you impose on your self, that nobody else is aware of or cares about? In case you wrestle to satisfy these expectations, you’re an Obliger. It’s true that some Obligers have such a large sense of exterior expectation that it nearly seems like an inside expectation: “I’ve to do that as a result of ‘they’ say I’ve to” when the “they” is society at massive; or “that is what folks should do do.” However, in my framework, they’re responding to an outer expectation. Only a few persons are Upholders; many, many individuals are Obligers.
You possibly can’t discern Tendency from the surface
An vital observe: It’s not doable to discern folks’s Tendencies from taking a look at their exterior conduct; it’s additionally essential to grasp their reasoning. For example, one Obliger informed me, “I’m an Obliger. I appeared like a Insurgent in school, however I used to be doing precisely the rebellious issues that my mates anticipated of me.” A pal mentioned, “I’m a Questioner. However I’ve had a variety of experiences the place the principles had been so silly that I appeared like a Insurgent, as a result of I refused to do what anybody asks me.”
Additionally, there’s an unlimited vary of character, even amongst individuals who share the identical Tendency. Some persons are kind of thoughtful than others, or bold, or conscientious, or judgmental, or controlling, or thrill-seeking. These qualities dramatically affect how they specific their Tendencies. A Insurgent who desires to be a profitable enterprise chief will behave in a different way from one who doesn’t care a lot about work. A Questioner who may be very considerate can have completely different habits from one who doesn’t fear a lot about different folks’s consolation or issues. I’ve an Obliger pal who’s tremendously analytical and intellectually curious. So she questions every part…however in the case of what she does, she’s an Obliger.
Keep in mind, too, this framework has to do with how we meet an expectation, not a requirement. Once we should do one thing, we do it—even Rebels. My Insurgent pal began carrying his seat-belt after he bought two big fines. An Obliger would possibly give up smoking, on her personal. Nobody desires to get fired.
No matter our Tendency, all of us share a need for autonomy. If our feeling of being managed by others turns into too sturdy, it may well set off the phenomenon of “reactance,” a resistance to one thing that’s skilled as a menace to our freedom or our potential to decide on. If we’re ordered to do one thing, we could resist it—even when it’s one thing that we’d in any other case need to do.
And nobody likes to be requested to do one thing arbitrary or irrational. The will to know why we must always do one thing, to have justifications for our efforts, is pure. The truth that you query whether or not you need to should do one thing that appears mindless doesn’t essentially imply you’re a Questioner. Once more, what issues is what we do, and why we do it.
Can you alter your 4 Tendencies kind?
From what I’ve noticed, our Tendencies are hardwired, and whereas they are often offset to a point, they’ll’t be modified.
But no matter our Tendency, with higher expertise and maturity, we will study to counterbalance its detrimental points. As an Upholder, for example, I’ve realized to withstand my first inclination to satisfy an expectation unthinkingly, and to ask, “Why am I assembly this expectation, anyway?” Questioners study to place a restrict on their questioning; Obligers determine give themselves exterior accountability; Rebels select to do issues as a result of they’ve realized the results of not doing them, or out of consideration for others.
Studying to make the perfect of our personal nature is knowledge.
